Why I’m going to win my fantasy hockey league this year

No, the answer isn’t JR, but rather the patchy-bearded and jersey-less pyscho who made the crotchety old man angry enough to get off his fireside rocking chair and try to play cowboy for a couple laps around the rink.

How to make 14.267 million New Englanders laugh until they cry like babies

I have nothing to say about this other than that I’m upset that Comcast won’t let me embed it. Anyways, send everyone you know here. Do it now. Make sure they watch the video.

The University of Texas: where future potential NFL stars learn to not like football

It seems just like yesterday when a former UT star was spurning his multi-million dollar contract to smoke a lot of pot in Indonesia and join to Toronto Argonauts to try to make back some of the bonus money he spent and was subsequently ordered to repay to his NFL team.

The last post about the Beijing Olympics, and it’s about girls

Jennie Finch here is my favourite Olympic athlete ever. When she showed up to the ESPYs that year in that black dress and went about her business of being all hot and stuff, I was intrigued. When she struck out Mike Cameron on a softball field, I decided that she would forever be the unobtainable love of my life. I also decided I wished I had gone to  a Pac-10 school.

Anyways, in Finch’s honour, here are the stars of the 2008 Olympics in this man’s opinion. Let’s keep in mind that this list is in no particular order, that it’s based purely on aesthetics, and that I’m a pig. Also, this only rule I’m going to go by is that these can’t be people that have been gushed over on ESPN before—so bye-bye to Maria Sharapova, Amy Acuff, Heather Mitts or Amanda Beard. Let’s dig in.

How to make 14.267 million New Englanders cry like babies

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then this one represents a lot of swearing and elongated “A” sounds. And so, the collective population of Massachusetts and surrounding environs will wake up tomorrow morning and call Kansas City Chiefs safety Bernard Pollard “a bahhhstahhhhd,” as his hit to Tom Brady has probably ended the quarterback’s season with a torn ACL, Yahoo!’s Michael Silver is reporting.

Calgary and Edmonton working together?

Yeah, I know I’m commenting on stuff from last week still. But, I mean, I just have this one and then one more about the Olympics and then I’m done with all that, so I’d appreciate it if we could just move along.

Anyways, in a shocking and unprecedented showing of provincial unity, Edmonton and Calgary banded together to earn the right to host the 2012 World Junior Hockey Championships.

Chad Ocho Cinco: The world’s most loveable jackass

I kind of love the former Chad Johnson. I don’t get him, and he’s a world-class asshole, but I still kind of love him. I hate the man for the way he’s treating the Bengals (frankly, this subversive, passive aggressive shit that he’s been putting down is way worse than just coming out and implying your quarterback is gay in an angry tirade); I hate the man for his constant need to draw attention to himself; I even hated his golden mohawk. But I kind of love him.

So, in honour of the NFL’s decision to allow him to wear “Ocho Cinco” on the back of his jersey, here are my top five memories of the future first-ballot Crazytown Sports Hall of Fame inductee:

Why Canada thought Canada sucked at the Summer Olympics

Let’s go back about two weeks (yeah, I could have written this two weeks ago, but I was busy staying up until 4 in the morning to talk about diving, so go fuck yourself, hypothetical Internet critic who would say somthing like “OLD!!!!11!!! Learn 2 blog n00b” after reading my lede) to when Canada sat behind Togo and Armenia in the Olympic medal standings, the general public was flipping out about our lack of success through the first week of the Games, the CBC was airing segments about the difference between a medal hope and a medal contender and Ron MacLean was the only voice of reason in this sea of anti-patriotism that was undoubtedly formed over how ugly the Canadian Olympic apparel was. Seriously, who would wear something like that? That’s what the COC gets for having their stuff made by Zellars. Remember when Roots had the contract and made stuff that was the envy of the entire world? When I was 12, all I wanted was one of those $400 Olympic jackets and $80 berets. Man those were cool.

At the time (two weeks ago, not when I was 12), I thought all the hysteria about Canada’s failures were perfectly warranted, and even as we won 18 medals in about four days to ease the terrified masses, I still felt a little disappointed by the way the Olympics have turned out for us Canucks. Yeah, we had our highest medal total since Atlanta, but it still felt a little incomplete.

MOAR PLZ!!!!

So with the Olympics over and the softballers all sad that their sport is done, it brings up the question of why? Why is the IOC removing softball (or, more specifically, baseball—I kind of get softball) from the Olympic games? I don’t get why they remove sports at all unless those sports are no longer relevant on the world stage (which I don’t believe is the case in this situation, which I will go into in a while).

In fact, I also don’t see why they turn down so many sports that want inclusion (other than logistics and stuff). I don’t mean the fringe sports, I mean something like cricket or rugby or karate and the like. I don’t get why tae kwon do would have to be eliminated to include karate. I just don’t really get it.

How do they get away with this?

Breaking the monotony of all the Olympic posts (I’ve still got two more), were switching gears and talking about football. Of course, it’s not really about football, but more about football stadiums. One thing I’ve never understood while watching an Eskimos game is the endzones at Commonwealth.