I kind of love the former Chad Johnson. I don’t get him, and he’s a world-class asshole, but I still kind of love him. I hate the man for the way he’s treating the Bengals (frankly, this subversive, passive aggressive shit that he’s been putting down is way worse than just coming out and implying your quarterback is gay in an angry tirade); I hate the man for his constant need to draw attention to himself; I even hated his golden mohawk. But I kind of love him.
So, in honour of the NFL’s decision to allow him to wear “Ocho Cinco” on the back of his jersey, here are my top five memories of the future first-ballot Crazytown Sports Hall of Fame inductee:
5. Chad Johnson races a horse
This was nowhere near as awesome as when Ben Johnson raced a horse and a car (and nowhere near as legit), Johnson legged it out against a thoroughbred for charity. The whole thing was bullshit, with Johnson getting a halfway head start, but at least Chad was doing it for a good cause and not because he is a disgraced national hero or anything like that.
4. Who covered 85 in ‘05
Johnson evaluated the defensive backs who attempted to cover him over the season. And this wasn’t some sort of serious scouting list to be used to see what guys were doing to stay with him; this was a pure ego boost to mock his opponents. Johnson became superstitiously attached to his list, leading to number three.
3. Did 85 do everything he could to lead his team to victory?
Bengals bench boss Marvin Lewis, who has to be the most patient man in the world to put up with all the shit Johnson has thrown at him over the years (seriously, most coaches who have receivers who spend the better part of a decade behaving like an idiot get fed up and either snap, bench the guy, or just demand he be traded. Lewis just shrugs off all of Johnson’s shit, and didn’t even blanch at his half-hearted trade demand this offseason, even convincing him to come to mini-camps.) replaced Johnson’s list with a mocking on of his own, asking questions that evaluated Johnson’s performance on and off the field. Johnson, grown attached to his list, was very upset about this. I think it’s funny.
2. Chad Johnson becomes Chad Ocho Cinco
The first time, when he was honouring Hispanic Heritage month and he taped “Ocho Cinco” over “C. Johnson” on his back for the warmups of one game, I thought it was kind of lame. Even now, I don’t know how a guy by the name of “Chad Johnson” who went to school in Oregon (okay, so he was born in Miami, shut up) has such an affinity for the Latin community, but it went from lame to hilarious when Chad officially changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco. My favourite part is the NFL’s reaction to allowing him to put his new name on the back of his jersey: “It’s his legal name.” It just seems like NFL spokesman Greg Aiello wants nothing more than to not be having that interview, or anything to do with the entire situation.
1. PLEASE don’t fine me AGAIN!!!!!
After being hit with a fine for excessive celebration following a touchdown, Johnson celebrated a touchdown by holding up a sign requesting he not be fined again for excessive celebration. Of course, fittingly, he was fined. Sometimes the NFL is so predictable.
And since I’ll probably never talk about it again, this whole excessive celebration thing is the NFL’s fault in the first place. If they hadn’t outlawed the throat slash gesture, everyone would hagve just stuck with the Ickey Shuffle.
